Hot soup

Lunch is the big meal of the day here, and school lunches have been a problem. To have the kids eat at school would be one 10th of Troy's income, so Tristan takes tangerine, Wyatt takes a sandwich, and Winston takes leftovers. A staff person ambushed me at school and said that for the kids to use the microwave, we should be paying $45 per child per month. I smiled and nodded while thinking ?!#%*? 

     But as soon as I calmed down I wracked my brain for what we did when I was a kid. We had a metal lunchbox with a thermos. 

Winston loooooves his thermos and folding spoon. 

He heats the water in the electric kettle and adds the chicken noodle soup. He does it himself while I drive Troy to the metro. And voila!  Hot soup at lunch. 

Whoever got the dirtiest had the most fun

I started this "intense" project thinking that an intense reaction was bad, like a storm to be withstood until the waters were calm again. 

The goal of maturity then would be to have longer and longer stretches of calm. Imagine my surprise to learn that the pursuit of safety and sameness is at the bottom of the maturity scale.  

     In a marriage, such a relationship is a "system" that is "fused."  Imagine your fingers interlaced and fused together. The opposite would be a "differentiated" system, where you are each your own person. You wrestle together to develop problem-solving skills instead of fighting to win or lose. Life is an opportunity to grow instead of a problem to be fixed. 

     In his vast counseling experience, Hud McWilliams identifies these three characteristics of healthy differentiation:

1. You know what you believe.

2. You stand up to significant people, but assure the other that you are not going to leave. 

3. You manage the anxiety that is part of life, rather than running away or lashing out. 

     And he laid out a scale of zero to 100, where zero is completely fused and 100 is differentiated. At zero is the abject people-pleaser as well as the domineering sociopath. At 25 are those who can't delay gratification to stop the conversation and start again later, who deny and avoid and are dominated by emotion. At 50 are people who are more self-motivated with goals, who make choices based on belief even if it costs them, and who manage anxiety. In the 75 to 100 range are those who are using these skills and actively "processing" situations. He added that no one can stay in that range more than 70% of the time. He said that at those times people experience life as intense and pleasurable.  Couples view each other as interesting and mysterious.

     What a narrow escape!  In my pursuit of calm, I was on my way to becoming a Buddhist!

You all know me and know that I don't do anything by half measures.  So if a trusted teacher says not to take the safe route, I go down where there's no route at all. I had a bicycle accident but it's not too bad.  I bruised my leg and strained my elbow and shoulder. 

     Here's the diagram I mentioned yesterday about "whitewater."  When people make an effort to change they grow at first, but then there's the period of turbulence. Most people give up and end up back where they started. You have to stick with it to get to the lasting change afterwards. 

So I asked Troy where that leaves us philosophically. It's all very well to make change until the bills start coming in. But the truth is I've wanted to get new glasses for six months. I have needed to get my elbow looked at for eight months. And as Troy pointed out, Winston's reaction was priceless. He checked me over. He gathered up the broken glasses. He reminded me that whoever gets the most bruises had the most fun. He led me home and told me to lean on him. He's been saying he wants to be a combat medic, and now we have a way to encourage and shape him, with a concrete example to point back to when he is uncertain. Praise God.

It's Christmas! All the misdirected mail finally arrived. Nana's toffee is none the worse for wear, and Harlan and Miko's Christmas card finally arrived. 

     To read more about the family therapy idea of "differentiation," click here.

Embrace the chaos

Two buses with 75 kids and six professors (not parents) left at eight this morning for Andorra. Sounds exotic, doesn't it? Hopefully I can post a picture later this week. 

Of course there was drama. Wyatt was sick Saturday morning, and Tristan was sick this morning.  His phone ran out of money, so I am depending on the WhatsApp group of moms to post the updates they get from their kids.  They are the group to the right in the photo above. They are very funny. "Has anyone heard? They should have stopped by now. G said they're having a snack. B said everything is good."  As you can imagine,  I'm very happy to have them.

Troy's summary of the marriage conference was, "embrace the chaos."  For example don't go for the safe route. The speaker had a Whitewater example. He said when people try to change, they usually give up and end up back where they started. You make the change and seem to be growing, but then comes a turbulent period. After the turbulence comes the lasting change and possibly a little calm.  A little bit of calm is a nice break, But 70% of the time should be turbulence.  I have more to say about that 70% tomorrow. 

So in the vein of not taking the safe route, we went racing up and down these embankments. I should say racing down and climbing up laboriously. 

Winston the future photographer liked all the roots and hidey holes. 

He had a painful disappointment when he learned that his age group could have gone on the trip. He thought I had lied to him,while I thought that he knew from his classmates. But he has to be able to listen to grown-ups to go on a trip away. 

I had a very painful accident and broke my glasses.  Now I'm squinting dentally and not going to proofread. Dreadfully. So my turbulent adjustment this week will involve A trip to the optometrist and the physical therapist.  

Pickle-sickle

Here's the dummy getting thrown around. 

This enormous person-like thing is a heart attack waiting to happen in the basement. 

And if I don't die of fright from tripping on the dummy, then pork ribs will kill me. 

This is what happens to the rest of the pure-bred, black-footed, acorn-fed, free-roaming happy Iberian pigs. The ribs get packed up and sold at discount stores. 

Snacking before dinner. Can you blame us?

Tristan wanted olives with pickles stuck in them at the farmers market. He and Wyatt assured me that they LOVE pickes and would eat them all up. 

They never loved pickles before, but OK, I'll buy some. Wyatt dubbed it the pickle-sickle and there were only four left. So there you have it: pork-sickles and pickle-sickles. 

The pork fat for future biscuits is red because of some mild pepper. 

     Tristan and Wyatt leave tomorrow for their week-long school ski trip. They are excited.  They were very serious about buying snacks, and packing, and having all their documents.  What world travelers they are already! 

Intense 7 of 9: When you know all you need to know about God

I wrote a blog post about Christian maturity two weeks ago but didn't post it because I didn't like my conclusion.  Imagine my curiosity when our guest speaker at the marriage conference, Hud McWilliams, also promised the key to Christian maturity.  Here's the last passage from my "Intense" theme so I can wrap it up.  That's code for "not really relevant."  (There will be one more from 1 Thessalonians.)

Revelation 16: 1 Then I heard a loud voice from the temple saying to the seven angels, "Go, pour out the seven bowls of God's wrath on the earth." 2 The first angel went and poured out his bowl on the land,and ugly and painful sores broke out on the people who had the mark of the beast and worshiped his image. 3 The second angel poured out his bowl on the sea, and it turned into blood like that of a dead man, and every living thing in the sea died. 4 The third angel poured out his bowl on the rivers and springs of water, and they became blood. 5 Then I heard the angel in charge of the waters say: "You are just in these judgments, you who are and who were, the Holy One, because you have so judged; 6 for they have shed the blood of your saints and prophets, and you have given them blood to drink as they deserve." 7 And I heard the altar respond: "Yes, Lord God Almighty, true and just are your judgments." 8 The fourth angel poured out his bowl on the sun,and the sun was given power to scorch people with fire. 9 They were seared by the intense heat and they cursed the name of God, who had control over these plagues, but they refused to repent and glorify him.

Here's my post that got shelved:
  You have a good foundation:  you KNOW that God is there, even if you don't feel His presence; you KNOW it when you fall short of Christ's radical humility; you KNOW that God is just, though His justice is so widely misunderstood; you KNOW that hope wins in the end and not by the breadth of a pinkie-nail, but by the expanse of the ocean.  You don't ask for signs or to hear voices, but persevere day to day.
     What now, God?  New experiences will be great, but I don't crave them.  New believers will be a joy, because God's work will be satisfying.  His kingdom will have advances and setbacks, but the news will not defeat us.  But when it comes to RIGHT NOW, I feel passive in the flow of life.  New experiences rush past as I go here and there obediently.  Indifference creeps in about Bible Study.  Conflict lurks in my family about social commitments.  I feel tired of the intense ups and down.
   So here was my conclusion:  I need zeal and enthusiasm and to love people more.  I could be preaching hell-fire and brimstone to the unrepentant.  I need exercises to grow.  After all, this blog started as an exercise in gratitude for small things every day, and we have all been blessed by it....

   Our speaker said to imagine two platforms on either side of the lectern.  On one, we live by rules.  We hold on to what we have learned so as not to lose it.  If we were a sports team, we would get ahead by a little and then change to a defensive strategy and play so as not to lose.  He hates watching those teams and gets bored and wanders off.  On the other platform, God has given us everything we need: salvation, grace, forgiveness, the Holy Spirit, the Bible, fellowship with Him.  Having all of that, we should play to win.  I actually meant the title to be sarcastic, because even after eternity in heaven with God, we will not know all there is to know about God. But according to Hud, I was actually on the right track.  Where I went wrong was grasping for a formula.
     I immediately had a chance to practice.  My one Spanish friend from school was slow to answer one message, and hasn't answered the last one at all.  I'm not stupid.  I've been dumped.  I cried a little bit and Troy reminded me of the sermon.  I can't think of her as "the only mom who lived in the States, the only one who understands, the only friend possible, ever," or as something to hold onto desperately so as not to lose.  The one who plays to win accepts the generous welcome she offered and rejects the bitterness that so easily takes root.  The lesson was a timely reminder of my freedom in Christ and saved me some grief:  the grief of a pity-party about the friend and the grief of busy work that focused on me.

     So what do you think?  How can you play to win today and let go of a formula you are holding onto?

   

Fiction: A Worthy Bride

From Angela:  I feel like I'm launching a child out into the world!  Here's a little short story, of 500 words, more or less, which is what I can write in a day.  Don't feel obligated to read it; there's no pop quiz, but tell me what you think!  I'm hitting send...

The two bridesmaids sat at the reception table as the lights dimmed and the candles danced.  One, whom I will call Sospechosa, was gloomy about the wedding because she didn't much like the bride.  After all, people are intrinsically worthy of marriage or not worthy based on character.  The other, Embrace, was satisfied, because no one is one-hundred percent worthy.  Everyone contributes what they contribute at whatever level.  It turned out that both were right.
"Why did Charming throw the bouquet to me?" mused the one with hair like a medieval princess, Sospechosa.  "I'm not the one with a boyfriend.  She must want something from me, but I can't think what."
"How about friendship," suggested Embrace, whose boyfriend was on the dance floor with one cousin after another.  "What I don't understand is why you agreed to be a bridesmaid."
"I agreed for the same reason you did, because there wasn't anyone else," replied Sospechosa.
"You are wrong about that.  I agreed because the groom is my brother."  The music stopped and the groom, in snazzy black from his cuff links to his collar buttons to his capped-toe boots, called for attention.  "They are going to toast each other.  Isn't that sweet?" whispered Embrace.
Sospechosa didn't think so and rolled her eyes.
"I will never forget the day I met Charming," said The Black Knight.  "We were at The Irish Pub, and a completely stranger grabbed my sister's arm and nearly fainted.  That was Charming.  She was terrified because she had seen her ex.  He came to the restaurant even though she had a restraining order against him.  She was afraid he would kill her if he saw her.  It was love at first sight.  I knew I would do anything to protect her."
Sospechosa kept up a whispered commentary.  ("The bartender said the ex brought her there once, and now she kept coming around.")
"Charming said she was staying at a shelter, " continued The Black Knight.
("She was staying at her parents'," said Sospechosa.)
"And could not give me her number," said The Black Knight.  "That was the longest month of my life, though we did manage to see each other a couple of times."
("She feared for her life and couldn´t go out, but she could go out to the Irish Pub.")
"A toast to Charming!" he cried.  Everyone toasted, "To Charming."
Sospechosa silently protested by not drinking.  Next to the champagne glass was a commemorative coin with a seal for the Department of Commerce.  "Charming gave me this coin.  Her dad is some bigwig in the government. She went on and on about how much he liked me, about how those trade agreements are sooo complicated and he thought I must be sooo smart, and I was sooo sweet to let him go on about it, and he wanted me to have this coin.  The truth is her dad doesn't like me, doesn't remember talking to me, and doesn't know me from Adam."
"She's just being Charming.  Where's the harm in that?"
"She's a liar and she's manipulative.  She's not worthy of your brother!  Doesn't that bother you?"
"You are such a snob," said Embrace, taking the tolerant view.  "Who am I to say who is worthy?  Besides, you always idolized my brother and there isn't a woman out there that you would think was worthy.  Speak of the devil..."
Sospechosa turned to see Black.  "Hi, Sis," he said carelessly, while staring at Sospechosa.  "I came to meet Charming's cousin.  It looks like I married the wrong cousin, because this one is stunning."
"You idiot," said Embrace.  "Charming doesn't have a cousin, that we know of.  This is Sospechosa.  You have know her since we were eight."  She mimed short hair and glasses.
The pantomime helped Sospechosa recover from her absolute shock.  She groped for her champagne glass but knocked it over.  She raised it anyway, "To a long and prosperous marriage."

Interesting and mysterious

 In all of these pictures with Troy's West Point  mug, Tristan is a blur. He was so excited.

I really liked the marriage conference at church. Hud McWilliams was the speaker. He said that if you are looking for safety and sameness you will be disappointed. Even if you find those things, you will be bored and unsatisfied. 

     In a healthy relationship, you are constantly adjusting to each new day and to each other. As you "process" everything together, you perceive each other as interesting and mysterious. 

    So here's my contribution towards interesting and mysterious, or just weird. Troy needed 100 pounds to fill his training dummy.  So he bought a 100-pound bale of used clothing. I wondered why someone got rid of a perfectly good hazmat suit. 

But then I realized the hazmat suit WAS the training dummy. 

To my mother: NO, you absolutely may not go through those clothes. 

   The speaker said that sometimes you have to unlearn things you learned previously. Troy is unlearning jujitsu in order to succeed at judo. You do it by drilling with the new skill. I guess arm-grabbing is completely different depending on whether you want the arm to end up in handcuffs or somewhere three feet away from you.

   My head is spinning from the conference. He also promised the key to Christian Growth!  I was suspicious, but I didn't leave disappointed. That will be a future post. 

How to make a fake giant cake

The big cake cover is right size for a cake layer, so why not frost it and put the real cake on top instead of inside?

Thank you Fabia!  Of the many things you have taught me, the most important may be that it's okay to make a box cake with Crisco frosting. The important thing is that the kids' eyes pop out when they see it. 

This hu-normous cake from Bilbo Baggins' Eleventy-first birthday was the inspiration. 

We gave the usual games a hobbit twist. 

Slingshot. 

Drinking contest,

Archery,

And three hours of hobbit in 3-D and spanish. 

For the Stinky Cheese esting contest, three ate it and three didn't. While Winston made his hobbit soup, we talked about why God put us here on earth, not just to serve, but also because He enjoys us. 

Mission accomplished with the cake. Look at these faces:

Tristan wanted to hand out prize bags right away, though I wanted to wait, which turned out to be a good thing. 

They sat arond and barted, my coins for your Bubble Yum. My Bubble Yum for your lollipops. 

     And for the final word,  I said I had a good time, and Tristan replied that he had a better time.  

Hobbits at work

I call this is the golden bubble tree. I have taken 20 pictures and all have been bad. Now that I'm actually up close I see why: because  this tree is ugly. 

But when you put it against the ubiquitous background of pine trees, it looks really pretty. 

The hobbits are at work. Except that today they are  dwarves. 

Tristan is making the prize bags while Wyatt is making cookies. 

If you are an uncivilized dwarf, the goody  bag that you plan to give to your friends makes a nice placemat. 

Oops--not the embassy

I wrote that this picture was the embassy, but I meant NEAR the embassy. 

The embassy actually has zero character, like any business hotel in any city.  Zero local character I should say, because I like the character of business hotels. 

I like how this guy has his name on his photos. I'll do that when my blog becomes famous. 

Yellow in Madrid

BHere are Hawkeye and Green Arrow, with their teacher Amanda. 

She praised their good form that they learned from Troy, but they need to build their strength and consistency. 

Here are Hobbits with chef hats. Winston can't wait to make Hobbit Soup again for Tristan's birthday. 

Spain has a good anti-drinking publicity campaign. This one says, "every time you get drunk you become a little more foolish."  There are little, low traffic-stoppers all over town. Surely with a backup camera I can avoid running into one. I even have a picture of one!  I took it because it was yellow. 

Here's a street corner the embassy, above, and the church across the street. 

Yellow tile building that turned out to be the Mexican embassy...

Yellow Vespa...

Yellow mushroom stool in the Slumber J Office for all you oilfield folk...  I hope you like the pictures.