Whoever got the dirtiest had the most fun

I started this "intense" project thinking that an intense reaction was bad, like a storm to be withstood until the waters were calm again. 

The goal of maturity then would be to have longer and longer stretches of calm. Imagine my surprise to learn that the pursuit of safety and sameness is at the bottom of the maturity scale.  

     In a marriage, such a relationship is a "system" that is "fused."  Imagine your fingers interlaced and fused together. The opposite would be a "differentiated" system, where you are each your own person. You wrestle together to develop problem-solving skills instead of fighting to win or lose. Life is an opportunity to grow instead of a problem to be fixed. 

     In his vast counseling experience, Hud McWilliams identifies these three characteristics of healthy differentiation:

1. You know what you believe.

2. You stand up to significant people, but assure the other that you are not going to leave. 

3. You manage the anxiety that is part of life, rather than running away or lashing out. 

     And he laid out a scale of zero to 100, where zero is completely fused and 100 is differentiated. At zero is the abject people-pleaser as well as the domineering sociopath. At 25 are those who can't delay gratification to stop the conversation and start again later, who deny and avoid and are dominated by emotion. At 50 are people who are more self-motivated with goals, who make choices based on belief even if it costs them, and who manage anxiety. In the 75 to 100 range are those who are using these skills and actively "processing" situations. He added that no one can stay in that range more than 70% of the time. He said that at those times people experience life as intense and pleasurable.  Couples view each other as interesting and mysterious.

     What a narrow escape!  In my pursuit of calm, I was on my way to becoming a Buddhist!

You all know me and know that I don't do anything by half measures.  So if a trusted teacher says not to take the safe route, I go down where there's no route at all. I had a bicycle accident but it's not too bad.  I bruised my leg and strained my elbow and shoulder. 

     Here's the diagram I mentioned yesterday about "whitewater."  When people make an effort to change they grow at first, but then there's the period of turbulence. Most people give up and end up back where they started. You have to stick with it to get to the lasting change afterwards. 

So I asked Troy where that leaves us philosophically. It's all very well to make change until the bills start coming in. But the truth is I've wanted to get new glasses for six months. I have needed to get my elbow looked at for eight months. And as Troy pointed out, Winston's reaction was priceless. He checked me over. He gathered up the broken glasses. He reminded me that whoever gets the most bruises had the most fun. He led me home and told me to lean on him. He's been saying he wants to be a combat medic, and now we have a way to encourage and shape him, with a concrete example to point back to when he is uncertain. Praise God.

It's Christmas! All the misdirected mail finally arrived. Nana's toffee is none the worse for wear, and Harlan and Miko's Christmas card finally arrived. 

     To read more about the family therapy idea of "differentiation," click here.